Choosing How To Live
~~I wrote the following on July 10, 2006~~
Why is it so hard to decide how to live?
Every year or two my husband and/or I go through an instinctual urge to move. Whether it stems from our childhoods or is some part of our animal nature I am unsure, but I do know it probably won't go away -not soon anyway. When we married we moved two weeks later. Then I wanted to move out to a rural location. So we tried a small town. While living there we tried starting an intentional community then my husband was in a car accident and he decided he didn't want us commuting anymore. SO we moved back into the city. Now we are feeling a little itchy about the feet again.
~~end of draft~~
I can only assume I was going to continue along those lines go on to explain the different life choices that affect living arrangements and how ones place of residence can have an effect on your life. And how that all is reflected in our life, my life in the here and now. Little did I know (or perhaps I knew but hadn't externalized it yet) this was the lead-up to my life changing rather dramaticly.
Ever the one to want people to rethink how they are living and make life choices free of what others tell you your supposed to do. I have been encouraging my husband to think about what/how he makes career choices. To look at how he would choose to work. Work outside the box so to speak. Then we went on vacation and he remembered a little bit about who he was outside of the harsh 'work' light he's been under for so long and we searched for ideas about how we might live and what else he could do for that never loving dollar. Nothing seemed appropriate till.... drum roll please.... buda buda buda buda
I opened my big mouth. Anything I say can be questionable at the best of times anything I say after midnight should be kept at arms distance. This unfortunately popped out of my mouth and has swung back and hit like a two-by-four. A simple little "You could open a ---- store" to which his starving brain clung to and has suckled on for weeks now. I am so happy and excited for him to have found something he actually wants to do. Something that excites him and would allow him time to write.
The slamming in the face by the two by four part comes in only when you figure in the part of the plan that involves us selling the house and moving. I can deal with the selling of the house. What I can't deal with is the moving to a small city far far away from all our people. OK it's only something like 5-6 hours away but it hurts my heart knowing I will be losing so many people. I don't think I'm known for my weeping or emotional outbursts, but I have been walking around this / / close to tears for the last month or so. I feel I have finally found a group of families that are supportive, interesting, fun and most importantly haven't balked at the inane crap that comes out of my mouth sometimes.
I have been feeling very comfortable and alive for the last several months, in a way I haven't felt in a long time. I'm pretty much at peace. I don't want to risk losing it. Unfortunately I'm not enough of a bitch to make my husband work unhappily along while I live off the proceeds of his soul. Stupid fucking 'fair and peaceful' outlook on life, it would be so much easier to just say "Now Dear don't be silly and take risks with our lives. Go back to work and be happy we have food on our table."
So here I am stuck with the impossible decision of leaving our friends and family behind but having a happier husband -soul intact- or keeping the friends and family and offering up my loves mental and emotional health to the GodMoney. Fucking Ideals can be so hard to live with sometimes. If not for the children it would not be a hard choice but when your looking at how this would effect their lives... Who can see the future?
~~Wrote this a long while back and didn't have time to edit. I'm not sure of the date that will show up so I thought I would offer the plausible date being sometime late August perhaps early September.~~ Cleaning out the drafts so I can get past them and start posting again. ;-D
Why is it so hard to decide how to live?
Every year or two my husband and/or I go through an instinctual urge to move. Whether it stems from our childhoods or is some part of our animal nature I am unsure, but I do know it probably won't go away -not soon anyway. When we married we moved two weeks later. Then I wanted to move out to a rural location. So we tried a small town. While living there we tried starting an intentional community then my husband was in a car accident and he decided he didn't want us commuting anymore. SO we moved back into the city. Now we are feeling a little itchy about the feet again.
~~end of draft~~
I can only assume I was going to continue along those lines go on to explain the different life choices that affect living arrangements and how ones place of residence can have an effect on your life. And how that all is reflected in our life, my life in the here and now. Little did I know (or perhaps I knew but hadn't externalized it yet) this was the lead-up to my life changing rather dramaticly.
Ever the one to want people to rethink how they are living and make life choices free of what others tell you your supposed to do. I have been encouraging my husband to think about what/how he makes career choices. To look at how he would choose to work. Work outside the box so to speak. Then we went on vacation and he remembered a little bit about who he was outside of the harsh 'work' light he's been under for so long and we searched for ideas about how we might live and what else he could do for that never loving dollar. Nothing seemed appropriate till.... drum roll please.... buda buda buda buda
I opened my big mouth. Anything I say can be questionable at the best of times anything I say after midnight should be kept at arms distance. This unfortunately popped out of my mouth and has swung back and hit like a two-by-four. A simple little "You could open a ---- store" to which his starving brain clung to and has suckled on for weeks now. I am so happy and excited for him to have found something he actually wants to do. Something that excites him and would allow him time to write.
The slamming in the face by the two by four part comes in only when you figure in the part of the plan that involves us selling the house and moving. I can deal with the selling of the house. What I can't deal with is the moving to a small city far far away from all our people. OK it's only something like 5-6 hours away but it hurts my heart knowing I will be losing so many people. I don't think I'm known for my weeping or emotional outbursts, but I have been walking around this / / close to tears for the last month or so. I feel I have finally found a group of families that are supportive, interesting, fun and most importantly haven't balked at the inane crap that comes out of my mouth sometimes.
I have been feeling very comfortable and alive for the last several months, in a way I haven't felt in a long time. I'm pretty much at peace. I don't want to risk losing it. Unfortunately I'm not enough of a bitch to make my husband work unhappily along while I live off the proceeds of his soul. Stupid fucking 'fair and peaceful' outlook on life, it would be so much easier to just say "Now Dear don't be silly and take risks with our lives. Go back to work and be happy we have food on our table."
So here I am stuck with the impossible decision of leaving our friends and family behind but having a happier husband -soul intact- or keeping the friends and family and offering up my loves mental and emotional health to the GodMoney. Fucking Ideals can be so hard to live with sometimes. If not for the children it would not be a hard choice but when your looking at how this would effect their lives... Who can see the future?
~~Wrote this a long while back and didn't have time to edit. I'm not sure of the date that will show up so I thought I would offer the plausible date being sometime late August perhaps early September.~~ Cleaning out the drafts so I can get past them and start posting again. ;-D
posted by TeeBuck at 7/10/2006 10:55:00 p.m.
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