TeeBuckOutLoud

Notes on Permaculture

2010-01-12T22:43:00.002-07:00

The second of two videos relating to permaculture in canada. Where they discuss some book titles. Also mentioned was Rob Hopkins transitions.
The canadian permaculture video

Rob Hopkins
Book: The Transition Handbook
Short explanatory video:clip

Reading list:
Introduction to Permaculture. 1991. By Bill Mollison and Reny Mia Slay. Tagari Publishers, Tyalgum, Australia. 198 p.

Permaculture One: A Perennial Agriculture for Human Settlements, 3rd Edition. 1987. By Bill Mollison and David Holmgren. Tagari Publishers, Tyalgum, New South Wales, Australia. 127 p.

Edible Forest Gardens by Dave Jacke Website: http://www.edibleforestgardens.com/

Websites: agroforestry.co.uk

Also in a previous video this link plant catalog to a permaculturist using and cataloging more then 7000 plants for human use, food, medicine,tools. Looks like a good resource.

Found this source of Introductory Permaculture ideas Intro to Perma is in book form and has many sources for information and ideas.

A Farm for the Future: British show about a woman who is going to take over the family farm and convert it to a permaculture design. Video 1 of five

short clip of dvd regarding forest gardens
A forest garden year clip.

Off to bed

Educating with Truth

2008-07-26T19:09:00.001-06:00

Beyond Belief: Enlightenment 2.0 - Friday, November 2, 2007, Session 1

Just some thoughts about educating children as a parent.
I think our time is better spent finding our own education then it is spending hours debating phonics or whole language or forcing our children to learn the multiplication table or what have you. If they see you learning and you maintain a working relationship of respect and kindness it just happens. They will show you what they need and through your actions of respecting them and being kind to them education will happen.

All the contraptions, methods, paraphernalia, dogma, and standards are just an excess of organization for those who are unable to put the rigors of their own early institutional incarceration behind them. Why do we constantly try to make sense of our own childhood abuses by self-justifying them and perpetrating them on those we most hold dear.

I have an image in my mind of a mother spanking her child. The mother is weeping. The child frightened by both the violence and the emotions of the mother will never understand that the tears are from generations of pain. The mother thinking in her own mind that if she can love her child with all her heart and still abuse the dear soul that maybe that means that her mother loved her. That because you can do the most humiliatingly cruel things to those you care most about you are proving to yourself you were loved. That you are a lovable worthwhile person and that Yes this is Just how it is. She finally understands what her mothers tears were about all those long years ago.

Parents need to find their own truths before they can teach them to their children. In my search for my own personal truths to teach to my children I have come to the conclusion that forcing belief in the super natural would be akin to physical beatings. Battering ones emotional reality for some backwards notion of giving comfort, peace, guidance, and eternal salvation.

Sexes thinking Sex

2008-01-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

We have been watching a TV show called NCIS on DVD. There has been much talk about the differences between the sexes. And well it got me to thinking..... Why is it always assumed that only men think about sex in regards to every woman they meet? Most of the women (heterosexual) I have had chats with about such things admit that they at least 'probably' judge or categorize men upon seeing/meeting them. We perhaps wait till we get a feeling for them before a final judgment is made but besides going past the initial physical judgment I see little difference in the fact that we do place people in a category of some type relating to sexual interest. We perhaps don't spend as much time fantasizing about the person if they would be sexually desirable to us. Ack I don't have time right now to fish my thoughts but wanted to post befor I left. I just now I'm not the only woman who has the supposedly manly trait of sexual classification in regards to the men in her life. Not that many men are worthy or desirable on some days and on other days well it seems anything goes. So perhaps that is the main difference between me and the guys I know. They tend to be more willing to experiment on a regular basis but less flexible in the initial assessment. My initial assessment is open for change and I can be much more experimental or much less experimental depending on my moods.

BUT then again I'm in a long term relationship and am not on the prowl so my sexual temperment is only inflicted upon one victim/luckyman. Just dwelling on the over sexualization of men and under sexualization of women in our culture. I think women perhaps have more of a leaning towards quality of quantity and men prefer the later because they don't strive for the former. Then again that is me talking about the stereotypical 'average man' as very many of the guys I know are HUGE into quality and then both want quantity. I think thats hy I don't always think that one should wait till after they get married before becomeing intimate. A couple should at least be able to understand each other if not speak the same language in bed.

Vaccination - The Hidden Truth

2007-12-29T13:25:00.001-07:00

2684-3.jpg (JPEG Image, 400x300 pixels)
Vaccination - The Hidden Truth (1998)

This is one of those topics that I have an EXTREMELY hard time reconciling myself towards. One way or the other. Quite a good Video I would like to sit and give it my undivided attention but alas the dishes needed cleaning so half listening was all I could manage. I'll just have to sit watch it later. Perhaps I will then have time to also create a more interesting blogg regarding it. Just wanted to pop it up here now so it doesn't get forgotten.

So excited!

2007-12-04T22:31:00.001-07:00

All we need are fab Labs

Note to self

2007-10-22T23:22:00.000-06:00

I just read a reveiw of this book. Choosing Revolution: Chinese Women Soldiers on the Long March. and was thinking it would be something I would like to read.

Another Cool thing I just can't seem to find the time to do/read and ponder.

2007-10-12T19:05:00.000-06:00

This site clearly rocks... upon a quick perusal I have had little readings off of it for a few months every time I go to my Delicious listings actually. Please let me know what you think??? I'd be curious.

"""I WANT TO GET IT DONE!!"""

2007-10-12T16:36:00.000-06:00

What is it I would like to get done you ask? Well just for starters...

This... not for this project but for our own family so the kids have FOUR Great Grandparents to interview.

And This...

And This... just some active participation with the kids in building something green.

And These... with the kids or not- Violin, dance (belly, social, irish, circle), Pilates, Yoga, Fencing, DnD, Photography, Pottery, gymnastics, soccer, hockey, learning html, making soap, web design, Familty Website, rock climbing, quilting, drumming, volunteering for asac and a few other places, helping my mom out by getting her to and from health appointments at no cost to her, guitar, art, scrapbooking,...,....,/....,,.,;l,;/

And of course the on going and ever present need to get the &^%#@#%$& house in order, renovated, and clean. I seem to have far too much creativity for my own good. How does one fit six people and ALL the stuff they want into 1500 square feet?

Oh well some day. Perhaps I should make a "To Do" list for the next ten to forty years see what I end up with. Of course thats assuming I survive the caffeine in the freaking strong cup of joe I just pored myself. ack ack vision blurring.

And that is not mentioning the people I would like to see and the places I would like to go. Like the Winnipeg Parliament Building to take the Free masons temple of Solomon tour. And or course the things I would like to Blogg. If only I has a direct to site feed from my brain to the site with spell check and a good grammar program.

Perhaps I should make a list...

What is it that you want to get done??? I want to tango like this.

Something A Little deeper

2007-07-26T02:04:00.000-06:00

And Now For Something Completely different.

More Different

And Different Funny

Something for those that sing

Something my Auntie had on a 45

Something I had on Tape

Something I used to go to sleep to.

GoodNight

"The Price Of Freedom...

2007-07-01T10:01:00.000-06:00

... is eternal vigilance." - Thomas Jefferson

Just wondering if the television has become such a household fixture to keep the masses compliant?

I see all these people discussing the next idol champion and who bit it on survivor and not too many of them wondering whats going on in the halls and chambers of our parliaments. (US, Can., et all) Have we been convinced that we lack the intelligence? education? interest? ability to change the things we feel need it? We know more about Paris Hiltons jail time then we do the spring sitting of parliament. Too sad.

There are so many books that discuss this, Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451 comes to mind and of course '1984'. Two simple illustrations that show how we can create this fantasy of "knowing" what is going on a round us while truly having no clue. It seems so much simpler to look no further then the 6:00 news or in my case CBC radio. When the fictional characters we see on screen become important to our sense of well being what does that say about our lives?

On the flip side how much attention does the course of our civilization need from our multiplying masses? It matters not. For those who will pay attention and act will be the ones who affect our course assuming they have the money, connections, or the right ear in which to speak. Whether it be few or many. Perhaps I had better read what came fore and aft of Tommy's little quote above. Gain some insight from those of better vocabularies. But what would happen if we all made it part of our lives to know what is going on and took an active part in creating our future.

Had a chat with someone recently who believes the 'global warming' scare is being blown totally out of proportion on purpose. So that those types who need to rally for a cause have one that is far enough removed from what the powers-that-be are doing, it seems a good distraction for them.

Why the hell are we... whoops sorry... Why the hell isn't our government stepping up to the plate for Darfur now that there is a NATO sanctioned bluehelmet peace force needed. That is what we do best. Or so I continually hear about our Canadian troops. Why would we not want to help end a genocide? I mean what the fuuu? Hello Steven grow some balls and stop and think as an independent country. We may be a mouse sleeping next an elephant but we don't need to suck it's teet to survive. Middle power nation does not imply no power.

Could we require our Government officials to sit through some of those classes that school children are taking that help them learn how to deal with bullies effectively? Please? I'd risk a fat lip for a backbone capable of standing up straight and independent. The sad fate of the world when your countries only hope for salvation is dependent on your Oil or other resources the 'helping' forces might claim during and after the war.

I am all for pacifism (see: Buffy Saint Marie - Universal Soldier) but I want my ass covered in case of an emergency. I used to hold the opinion that any gun was a bad gun, that opinion is evolving. While I don't support hte militarization of the populous I do think it wise they should have the ability and right to bare arms. THats just from my short look into the history of peasant life and the laws implied/written/or circumstances that kept peasants free from personal armament. I think it changes a societies expectations and attitudes towards other nations and their own governments if they feel wholly dependent on the ruling powers to protect them and their family. Though I have no idea what a farmer with a rifle would do against an insergent army. Pray I suppose if she/he are so inclined. But I think that we need to have the ability to defend ourselves.

Anyway back to our 'eternal vigilance' I think the real problem is we who haven't put much effort into it really have no idea where to start when we finally realize or decide we should be devoting some time to these things. If you don't know were to start you could become easily frustrated and quit, or misled, and/or disillusioned. With all the information out there it can be hard to keep your eye on what really matters to you -it can be hard to even decide what matters to you in the first place.

Where does one start?

More thoughts on moving

2007-04-18T14:29:00.000-06:00

I keep see-sawing on my decision regarding moving the family. I would love to be by the ocean, in the woods, it would be an exciting new experience. I just have difficulty adjusting to the thought of not living here anymore. I really like having so many friends. I really like it that my children can be close to their grand parents and other family members. All those life long relationships that can be so important. Then there is the limited health of my mom that keeps me wanting to stay close.It seems to be my time to take care of her or at least more active in her care.

On the other side of the coin. I would so love to live by the sea. I would so love to live in the old woods. Are these just the romantic leanings of my own heart? Yes of course. BUT we all need to listen to our hearts. We need to consider with our heads to though. Head says stay. You have a secure life here. You have great support here. The children have a million opportunities here, they have the option to develop life long friendships. Yada Yada yada the list goes on. Perhaps what I'm wrestling with is not where to live but the fact that I have developed a territorial nesting site and I am loath to move far a field. I know the territory and terrain I have my power centers and communities set up. I have some interesting people or I suppose people 'I' find interesting (my favorite kind).

Am I really wanting to start over with the process of creating a community just for better scenery? That is the question.

Intentional Communities

2007-03-26T23:46:00.000-06:00

A few Years ago I became very interested in setting up an intentional community close to the city. It didn't work out for a myriad of reasons. I would like to bring some of that hard work and information here. I don't want to loose the information I gathered there and will be slowly adding the files here hope the duplication will help diffuse the feelings of loss.

Aura Borealis sustainable solutions for northern living
auraborealis.com/index.html
An Alberta based company that designs straw bale homes. They have some very interesting design ideas the site is worth checking out. I was quoted $79.00 a square foot on Feb of 2002 less if you do some of the work. Note: I have heard complaints regarding this companies building technique and lack of practical skill. I'm keeping their link though as they do have some interesting ideas.

Checklist for Environmentally Responsible Design and Construction
http://www.buildinggreen.com/ebn/checklist.html
DESIGN - SITE ISSUES - MATERIALS - EQUIPMENT - BUSINESS PRACTICES

Creating The Not So big House
www.notsobig.com
The inspiration for The Not So Big House was a growing awareness that new houses were getting bigger and bigger but with little redeeming design merit. The problem is that comfort has almost nothing to do with how big a space is. It is attained, rather, by tailoring our houses to fit the way we really live, and to the scale and proportions of our human form.
Also: www.notsobigshowhouse.com/

The Solar Cooking Archive

2007-03-13T16:44:00.000-06:00

The Solar Cooking Archive

We are working on some of the grade four curriculum on solar cooking and I came across this website. Makes me spitting MAD (not the website but the ideas that came to mind, I really think this is a valuable website).

Is it really so SOOOO incredibly hard for the powers that be to want people to live happy healthy lives?? Why is it 'they' want to keep the poor -people/countries- poor so badly? What can possible motivate people to want others to fail? I suppose I shouldn't focus on poverty so much as an inability to succeed or feed ones self and family nutritious food and clean water. I know that poverty does not lead to life in refugee camps you can have a very comfortable life and still end up in a refugee camp. War and natural disasters lead to life in refugee camps. Anyway this website completely demonstrates why our western governments/corporations don't want us using solar power right now. The fear of a truly independent people must be staggering to them. I mean my goodness "Not To Be Needed?" that is the worst feeling any parent can have. For the controlling "my house my rules" types of governments and the corporations trying to slave us out for profit...

Makes me want to get off the grid sooner rather then latter.

Haunting Words

2007-01-31T20:11:00.000-07:00

Bwah HaHaha!!! Daddies words have come back to haunt him. My little Sweety Angel just called Big Bro a Dick Head... Something Daddy calls ooh I don't know the guy who cuts him off in traffic or the Dick head at work. You know anyone who doesn't do what is most convenient for him when he is trying to accomplish something. Is that worse then me saying "For fuck sakes" all the time?? Not sure they have different uses. She has been my only child that has had any interest in swearing all the others listened when I told them that they were adult words and that they shouldn't use them till they were older. Perhaps I need to discuss it with her at greater length.

A funny story on this subject. A woman I was having a conversation with relayed this to me last year.

She was one of the older children in a large family. Her youngest sister was heard swearing one day when angry over some childhood frustration. Upon seeing the horror on her families faces she endeavored to swear as much as she could.

Trying to find a kind solution -one not involving soap- to this dilema they staged an event to curb her swearing. During a hectic family event one of the older children was to 'get mad' and yell an alternative word as loud as they could. So they set the sceen for the unsuspecting youngster and sure enough big sister/brother acts mad yells "OH... BELLYBUTTON!!" as loud as they could. All activity in the room stopped, silence ensued and a mock bout of horror and disgust showed on all faces. Seeing this the youngest sister decided that that must be the all time worst word ever and continued to use it for as long as her need to gain attention prevailed. Now all that was very cute, as far as stories of kids swearing goes, but the part that made me laugh was...

When this child grew up there was a day of great frustration when she yelled with great passion and meaning "You... BELLYBUTTON!!" at an offending party. Serriously, with intence eye contact, and pointed finger stabing the air. When most of us would have called them an Asshole or a Bitch her unconscious dragged out "Bellybutton".

Loved that story. Then again I have a great imagination.

The Checklist

2007-01-30T17:04:00.000-07:00

Why is all the home education material I like Ultra conservative christian? I am so tired of finding an interesting product only to be stymied by the creationist world view. I would like a comprehensive history of the world that goes through human history without chapters containing biblical characters who may or may not have been alive during that time period. One that doesn't claim the earth is 6000-10,000 years old. One that doesn't claim that people 'really' did live to be 900 years old. It just grinds my gears. Can I learn about human history without having to do it through fundamentalist colored glasses? Please?

We have studied many different religions I expect reffrence's to religions when studying history because it is part of our history. I just don't like it in my sons math text and I don't like it putting a one sided dogmatic view on topics that are multifaceted. If a persons product is intended for a specific group of people I can understand that, fine go for it. I am just tired of the seeming exclusion of secular world views in home education materials. I suppose I'm as frustrated by the constant need to look over products to see what particular world view they support as the people who make the products I'm so frustrated with are at having to do exactly the same thing. The battle to keep God in the hearts of their children is far more difficult then my irritation when looking to find good childrens history products. I'm not mad or angry it's just a little pet peeve of mine. We need people of all shapes, styles, and belief's or the world would become unbearably boring.

RainyDays

2006-09-14T12:45:00.000-06:00

Why do rainy days always make me very subdued? It's like the fact the sun is behind clouds somehow keeps me from feeling fully charged so my body runs on low power till the sun comes out again. I am supposed to take the kids swimming today and would rather slide between the covers of a book and nestle in for the day. Soft and cumfy. I need to wake up me thinks.

Have been try to see whats going to happen with this whole moving thing. We have friends that want to relocate to Tiny Town with us. Then She/Mom could stay at home and homeschool the wee ones. I'm not sure of all the ways that effects us/me or our decision making process. It seems so cool that I could live near a friend (pre homeschooling friend DH was roomies with her DH).

What form of living will best enhance our journey? Why this has been inescapably on my mind of late I know not. I would like to spend a few minutes planning something concrete or OR doing some of those things that I had HAD planned to be doing right now. This would have been our first day of swimming lessons. A unique program with excellent instruction. We are going to go for the family swim portion of the day but not the lessons.

I think I'm suffering from some form of Intuition Flare. Whether it is misfiring, lacking vital information, or scared from previous life experience I'm not sure. I just spent almost two hours trying to get cumfy in Tiny Town and just felt sad felt I need to stay away. Everything homeschool seems to be religiously organized. Perhaps I'm just being a great big pussy and need to get over myself. I think probably a bit of both pussy and forboding.

Oh well I have to run. I have to start writing about my other thoughts. So I can look back on this and see I had more going on then bitching about life.
TeeBuck

Wimp or Warrior?

2006-09-10T12:30:00.000-06:00

I have been neglecting posting because I have these half drafted posts that I have not finished with. They, I guess, will appear sometime. In the mean time my life has been dumped upside down and given a good shake.

How do I know if this is just the next step in my journey? A time to move on, to take my beliefs and my passions to a new location and peoples. Is this new place really where *I* am supposed to live? This place I have no interest in being? I feel I've seen it all in two or three short visits, and little of it interests me.

Should I instead be holding on to the reins with both hands and pulling for a halt with all my might? Should I be fighting for my 'life'? Is now when I am supposed to stand up and fight for what I have? Small and unnoticed as it is I have found comfort in the last few months. I have been supportive. I have been giving and giving and little of it has been for me... directly. Though my childrens lives affect me directly and their actions have a direct effect on my life. When you are living your life with so many others your small movements can create ripples you never considered. This is the period of my life when THEY come first. Not to say others don't have consideration, but that WE decided they *need* someone to keep them in front to help drive them and steer and use the peddles they can't reach yet.

Is it really time to move on? Now when I feel things are just starting to look positively interesting? I'm not one who feels compelled to follow the straight and well traveled path. I like foraging on ahead and seeing new ground and looking at what those other people over there are doing. So asking for advice is not going to work. There are few to ask. I need to decide what *I* think. What I want is approval. I'm not going to get it. I don't approve of where HE wants go and HE doesn't approve of wallowing in the mediocrity that he sees as awaiting him here.

OUr paths seem to go different directions at this point. As a family though we only have one "vehicle". I don't want to step back and let him take the wheel. I can't read the map and see the road ahead as anything other then a tedious detour from the course we have been taking. I do not want to leave the company of our fellow travelers. Many have been with us since we first took breath. I am afraid that without the support they offer so freely, and with gladness of our company, we will toil and rut and our journey will be less. Less what? Well Less just less.

Reading historic accounts of the populating and exploring of North America I had no respect for those women who were displeased with their husbands choice to move or change careers and so made his life miserable. I don't see myself as one of those prim and proper ladies who turn their nose up at things or people who look messy or don't meet with their standards. I picture Princess Alberta sitting in her train car the only time she was in the huge chunk of the earth that was named after her, thinking it was too dirty, to unkept, to wild to warrant her notice. Why would she not be curious? How could she be so disrespectful? I wasn't there, so extenuating circumstances and historians interpretations aside, it seems she didn't much bother with or care about the place named after her. So now I see what they may have felt. These women history books pooh pooh for being so inflexible. Having a life, friends, family, support, and looking into the future they were comforted by what they saw happening in their lives. In their familiar places. I can now sympathize with those long ago women who had no reason to travel into uncharted territory. Who saw no joy in the discovery or newness. They might have been just as pleased as I am with how things were going for them. They may have been just as uninterested in what the new land had to offer. New Tiny Cities. I wonder how many of those women ended up in the same Tiny City we are considering and helped it to grow and develop into the very nice place it is now. Did they build for themselves a comfortable life and not regret the one left behind? Can I?

I will in no way try to infer that I am a 'princess' or pioneer, Tiny City is well developed and pretty cosmopolitan for it's size, but what are my thought processes? What are the thoughts going through my head? What is there in that new place, the lifestyle I imagine there, and what I see as a great way to live that I can not hold onto a happiness of moving there? My thoughts will not allow me to feel happy about going to this place and living my life there. My husband wants to move to this place not me? "I can NOT find interest in the Tiny City that is not so far away". There is nothing in me but a huge longing to be here, to not miss out on the action I have been following with such intensity. I do not want to move from my mother -more on this later- or take my kids from the Gran and Grandad, Uncles, and Aunties. I have felt like there was a building up of good things for the last while and I don't want to loose the momentum. I can't say to my husband "I worked so hard to get where I am now." Because he has worked very hard too in a more direct way, in a physical way, in a hard, fast, and furious way to help us have the money for a happy life. He has proof of his work. I feel unable to say"No" to him on this.

I have been observably passive and have not seemed to be very active at all. Mostly because I have been ruminate on what life for the kids should be like. Making the choices I think would put them in a position to have the best chances to succeed, finding friends that are loving and committed -not necessarily to us, but to the lifestyle I think would work best- and they are very very supportive. It is ever so hard to find friends that share a similarly unconventional lifestyle. I felt coming up to this year that we could soar and live/learn *with* others and really create some growth as far as options available and build a cohesive group of self learners with which we could move on to explore some very exciting things. I felt on the Cusp of great things.

BUT -can you read that as a big but and not me hollering- BUT I wanted the Daddy Man to come on the journey with us. To explore how his life could be dominated by his passions and not the incessant grind of work-your-ass-off-to-make-millions-for-someone-else, but a cool and sweet 'HIS way' of life. I was trying to open his eyes up to the opportunities on the path less traveled. I liked watching him ponder over what he could do "What would I like to do with my life? What of my skills are the most enjoyable to me? Who do I like to work with?" and so on. I liked seeing him letting go of how things 'aught' to be and looking at what could be. Asking himself what it could be to follow his own path. I want him to make his choices with an open mind and perform his life's work in the way that best pleases his sensibilities. I wanted him to join us in our lives not change everything. I wanted him to see how much fun we were having and come with us. He seemed so unhappy and unhealthy and to not be exploring or thinking beyond what was necessary.

Now this is me yelling- I JUST WASN'T EXPECTING IT TO SCREW ME OVER IN THE PROCESS. My own fucking mouth can be such a bitchy piece of work sometimes. Isn't that the way it goes though. "I want you to be free as long as it doesn't effect me in any untoward way." Blasted circle of... what fate? irony?... whatever it is that seems to have turned about to shout that I should leave well enough alone if I'm not prepared for the consequences. Well that part is also quite pleased -now this is ironic- that someone listened to my advice. That he is thinking he has found what it is he wants to do.

If I was my husbands Mom instead of his wife, that has to move with him to this Tiny City, I would be quite proud of him and be helping him and supporting him. As it is I've been bitchy and uninterested in him and depressing and, well, pondering what life would be like if I stayed and he went. Not seriously thinking of divorce, when feeling sane and sober, but it does give me a sense of comfort to know that option is open if I feel it is best to run and flea back to my familiar places. If we didn't have kids I might even look at it seriously but If I didn't have kids I wouldn't be where I am presently. He still hasn't joined us in our lives. He hasn't acknowledged our chosen path as having importance or value. perhaps I should bold that sentence? Yes.

I have been observing the children of my friends. I am in love with so many children right now. They are a joy. I am attached to my childrens attachments. Isn't life about finding people to live with? I spent several years on the periphery and have seen how they are growing and in the last year getting to know many of them and they are all just delightful people. I don't want to leave them and miss seeing who they are and how they change as the time goes by. I don't want to leave the sheltering nest of the Association of the Parents and Children. I really like the fact that Dads are involved. One of my concerns was that my children would be surrounded by the bevy of females and as wonderful as that is children need experience with good male role models. We have some different kinds of Dads too. I like it my boys won't feel quite so overwhelmed by the lack of Guys and Guy influenced activity. I have spent too much time with men who don't think outside their circles or don't think at all.

Over all I think that this has been a huge reminder -a slap in the face with a 2x4 kind of reminder- that I should really start appreciating what I have and stop taking things for granted. My Guy and Kids are healthy and happy for the most part. They like spending time with me and I with them. My Husband is a good man I can live with him he hasn't given up on living with me yet(big pluses in our instant gratification/ perfectionistic society). I am not a complete social idiot, though my foots in my mouth often enough. So I can make new friends for me and the kids and maybe I can introduce something new that can help the folks in Tiny City in some way. Maybe those folks have what I have been looking forward to creating here or something I didn't know I wanted. I just don't want to let go because I know I can not recreate the relationships I have here. No one in Tiny City will remember my kids as they were when they were little ones. No one for a long time will really care if we stick around or not. It takes years to create close friendships. Here I have people to mobilise in case of tragedy. There it would be the help of charitable people helping a stranger, not a friend, not family, not the sweet little kid they know so well.

I just don't want to let go.

So fucking hell. What? I will spend the next few years making friends with people I don't intend to grow old with, I don't intend to live with longer than is necessary, as I want to be close to family and family is here. That is why we had made the decision to stay here. It seems like such a waist of time. Of this lives time. Will my disinterest create a lack of participation there. Am I going through a needed mourning period? Am I dramaticizing for some reason? I am stubborn. Sometimes stubbornness is for good reasons, sometimes it is to balance out the scales of my life, sometimes it is miss guided need. All I know is that instead of planning for this year coming up and getting the most out of our summer I have been agonizing about this decision for the last month and a half. I keep trying to convince myself the move will be good for us. That I should embrace this new beginning. Take hold of the reigns and go for it. Then I feel the emptiness those thoughts create and stop trying to convince myself of something I'm so unsure of and start agonizing again. I can't see what this move will bring.

Tiny City seemed a cool place back when we lived in That Small Town. I could look forward to living in one of those turn of the century character houses, you know2.5 or 3 story homes with lost of space. Well we went and looked at some. I don't want a molding basement. I don't -as the resident handyperson- want to spend valuable kid life time fixing shit by myself. I no longer have interest in it. I want to pair down responsibilities not create huge ones.

He never has seemed interested in being part of my life, my friends or family....

Last summer or spring or perhaps it was the new year in '05 I wanted to spread out and find new ground, my feet were itching something fierce. My loving honey convinced me it was a bad idea for many reasons such as my Mother couldn't take us moving, it would severely worsen her already shaky health. So we made a deal that we would stay here and buy, when able, a piece of land somewhere so I/we could exercise our itchy feet and travel there when we could. A little piece of BC or a piece of an Eastcoast Island. I completely reformatted my mind. Very seriously took a hold of my brain and rewired it. The funniest thing happened. I started to let the little roots I had grow. Let them free of their tentative hold of the few people close to me. I let them spread and take hold of the terra and connected with other roots. Small tendrills of affection and camaraderie...

Crap I just realized that we are each others products. The things holding us back the most are self made. He helped me grow roots I helped him pull his out of the mucky ground they had been stewing in.

Circles circles
Running round and round
Am I continuing on to the beginning again?
Or is this a staircase?
If so, heading up or down?
Spiraling

You ever have one of those dreams where your sitting down for a test but you don't know what it's for so your not sure how to answer the questions? All your sure of is that somehow your doing it wrong and that someone will disapprove and fail you though they all have expectations of your successfully completing it their way.

I'm at the chalkboard writing. white on black. words and numbers scrawling. everyone tense and whispering and no one who knows the way or even what the problem is. No one to help find the answer. So I just keep writing.

I have an independent nature. I have a very dependent lifestyle. I want everyone to like me even if they don't agree with me. As a child I was so intensely afraid of not being liked or people thinking I was stupid that I never really learned how to share myself in a healthy manner with any sort of confidence. I felt my way through life. I remember writing reams and reams of seemingly disjointed thoughts. It was easier to communicate in short sentences, my mind moved too fast for the hand. And now I look back, I read from what little survives of what I wrote and discover it's poetry. As a child I lived almost outside myself because who I was was not compatible with school. No one showed me I could be strong without being contrary that I could agree to disagree. I could never relax unless alone it seemed. Perhaps that is why I spent so much time alone. Perhaps that is why I find it so important be relaxed now. Important for me and for my kids. It has become part of my persona to relax and not get stressed out unless there is a darn good reason and I can't control or adjust to the stressor. In this case it seems a monster of my own making.

One of our cats has developed an hugeness of catty proportions. Bluntly he is a bit of a fatty. SO when I'm relaxing in bed reading or thinking over my day before rising and he hops up onto the bed and walks along it to step ever so pressingly upon me and settles down on my chest for a good snuggle and in hopes for a pet. The weight is almost comforting. As during those times I have a visible presence an explanation for the huge weight I feel pressing down on me. He comforts me with his sweet furry warmth. In the way only a cat pimping himself out for his next meal can. The honesty of cats and dogs is so refreshing. Until you realize it's all a show for food, love, and a bit of worship. Still there is honesty.

During the summer vacation Husband had in July he explored options for his career. Thoughts of starting his own business. Much of it started with using the capital in our house. I blindly helped him brainstorm not thinking about what a move would entail. He mentioned an old idea of the kids and I living at the family farm for a while. Years ago when we lived in That Small Town the farm seemed great. Things have changed. The farm seems a place of loneliness and desertion. I need people who I am comfortable with and who give me confidence in my life. Rural farm life so far from the city scares me now. So when he mentioned that as a way to reduce expenses while getting a business up and running I held my tongue hoping the idea would pass. It did I breathed a sigh of relief. Now I feel an internal panickyness. There is a place inside that can not relax that has fear and loathing and wild eyes, nostrils flared without the ability to feed fresh air through my lungs to my brain. No relaxing here. I want to drink, get rip roaringly drunk to drug that incessant voice of panic. I loose myself in mindless watching of movies and television. Zuma my brain into a numbed stupor so I don't have to think or make decisions or worry. I fed this idea to free Daddy Man from the confines of peoples expectations and now I just want to slip things back a short ways and vegitate. Slow things down.

Three days after the idea -occurring to me and my expressing it during a long drive late at night trying to keep the conversation moving- three days later he told me I had five days to decide if it was a go or not. Then the day before the five days were up he cornered me. Phoned me on my way out the door. Five kids roasting in the van while he badgered my "I don't knows" with signs of wanting to give his notice at work. Asking me if I will give up my veto powers. My powers to tell him no I don't want this. When all I wanted was his free choice he was asking me to give up mine. I told him to do what he thought was best. So he gave his notice. Power struggle has ensued. I am passive aggressive if I understand it to mean what I think.

Why would he seem so strange to me now? I guess I expected him to act with foresight. To plan. To research for hours. To make arrangements for a secure move in this new direction. Not a slamming around of our lives. This feels too rough. I keep searching for new ideas. Don't want to crush his dream. Don't want to ruin his happiness. He is so sweet to me and the kids. Then I want to punch him in the face. Where the fuck does that come from? I Love him very much, but he has created a lack of trust. Plus I'm mad. He moved to fast. Left few real chances for communication and was a pussy where he could have been strong. I asked he take a leave of absence instead of quit. He said it would feel wrong. "It's not how he worked." "If he new he had to go back to work it would affect his judgment or ability to work or make good choices." or something else like that.

He knows I don't want to move, that I support his choice and can live happily in cooperative or rental housing while we both figure out what to do. He is expecting capitulation. Stupid fucker has even told me as much. He even seems anticipatory towards my capitulation like he will be winning some game I'm not playing. I don't like what I'm seeing in him right now. It creates discomfort. Like there is some side of him I have been ignoring looking at for fear of having to see him. Then I wonder if it is my imaginings and me creating something that is not there so as to find an excuse to stay. Stupid heart strings. This winding about like a thread on a loom makes them so ungainly and disruptive. If I had a cold heart lacking much confusion of strings I could snip when and where necessary. Blasted Lovey Dovey Man. Makes life so complicated and delightful and painful. Stupid stupid heart too many complications.

I think I would like a punching bag. There is absolutely no reason for me to hit this man but I really want to beat the shit out of something, as an expression of my frustrations. The only thing around here that needs to be destroyed requires the use of an axe. I think the using of and axe is something like the driving of a car. One shouldn't risk either when mad, and never when enraged.

He has said that if I don't like it in a year or two (another agony is that it started out as 6 months to a year and is now more along the lines of two years) well he said that if I don't want to continue living there we can move back. Well crap what the hell does that prove? What does that say? Why the fuck can't I say I don't like it NOW right NOW before we even get there? Why do I have to stew and have my life torn apart only to have the remnants put back in my hands after complete annihilation.

This city has been my home since I was small. I look back on a lot of years of unhappiness and many of joy. Small girl climbing snow when this city had snow-dumping winters. There has only been one good snowy winter since I became an adult. I was born on that hill over there on the extreme other side of this metropolis. I was wondering where to leave my remains. Cremate them and spread them around a little here a little there?

He loves me but does not participate in my life. He tells me I'm brilliant when I manage to steer the conversation to something that I find interesting for a short time. He thanks me for helping him become a better father but won't sit and chat about why I am choosing this way or that in my parenting practice. Is it his decisive masculine nature? Or is it creative manipulation of me and my life? I suppose that's what trust is. And faith. I have little faith in abstract things like Gods and ghosts. He seems as distant to my reality.

If I have to choose between a fight and capitulation... am I a wimp or a warrior. Both choices require strength and backing down. Compromise. How can one compromise over hundreds of Kilometers?
Perhaps this is just a big whining session and I just need to experience life in Tiny Town to see there is something to be offered there. Perhaps I'll look back and all this worry will seem silly.
One can always hope.
TeeBuckOutLoud

Choosing How To Live

2006-07-10T22:55:00.000-06:00

~~I wrote the following on July 10, 2006~~
Why is it so hard to decide how to live?

Every year or two my husband and/or I go through an instinctual urge to move. Whether it stems from our childhoods or is some part of our animal nature I am unsure, but I do know it probably won't go away -not soon anyway. When we married we moved two weeks later. Then I wanted to move out to a rural location. So we tried a small town. While living there we tried starting an intentional community then my husband was in a car accident and he decided he didn't want us commuting anymore. SO we moved back into the city. Now we are feeling a little itchy about the feet again.

~~end of draft~~

I can only assume I was going to continue along those lines go on to explain the different life choices that affect living arrangements and how ones place of residence can have an effect on your life. And how that all is reflected in our life, my life in the here and now. Little did I know (or perhaps I knew but hadn't externalized it yet) this was the lead-up to my life changing rather dramaticly.

Ever the one to want people to rethink how they are living and make life choices free of what others tell you your supposed to do. I have been encouraging my husband to think about what/how he makes career choices. To look at how he would choose to work. Work outside the box so to speak. Then we went on vacation and he remembered a little bit about who he was outside of the harsh 'work' light he's been under for so long and we searched for ideas about how we might live and what else he could do for that never loving dollar. Nothing seemed appropriate till.... drum roll please.... buda buda buda buda

I opened my big mouth. Anything I say can be questionable at the best of times anything I say after midnight should be kept at arms distance. This unfortunately popped out of my mouth and has swung back and hit like a two-by-four. A simple little "You could open a ---- store" to which his starving brain clung to and has suckled on for weeks now. I am so happy and excited for him to have found something he actually wants to do. Something that excites him and would allow him time to write.

The slamming in the face by the two by four part comes in only when you figure in the part of the plan that involves us selling the house and moving. I can deal with the selling of the house. What I can't deal with is the moving to a small city far far away from all our people. OK it's only something like 5-6 hours away but it hurts my heart knowing I will be losing so many people. I don't think I'm known for my weeping or emotional outbursts, but I have been walking around this / / close to tears for the last month or so. I feel I have finally found a group of families that are supportive, interesting, fun and most importantly haven't balked at the inane crap that comes out of my mouth sometimes.

I have been feeling very comfortable and alive for the last several months, in a way I haven't felt in a long time. I'm pretty much at peace. I don't want to risk losing it. Unfortunately I'm not enough of a bitch to make my husband work unhappily along while I live off the proceeds of his soul. Stupid fucking 'fair and peaceful' outlook on life, it would be so much easier to just say "Now Dear don't be silly and take risks with our lives. Go back to work and be happy we have food on our table."

So here I am stuck with the impossible decision of leaving our friends and family behind but having a happier husband -soul intact- or keeping the friends and family and offering up my loves mental and emotional health to the GodMoney. Fucking Ideals can be so hard to live with sometimes. If not for the children it would not be a hard choice but when your looking at how this would effect their lives... Who can see the future?

~~Wrote this a long while back and didn't have time to edit. I'm not sure of the date that will show up so I thought I would offer the plausible date being sometime late August perhaps early September.~~ Cleaning out the drafts so I can get past them and start posting again. ;-D

Going Out Dancing

2006-07-02T19:15:00.000-06:00

A bit of history to start.

I spent most of my early adult life dancing in pubs, bars, clubs, concerts, and gig's. Basically any where I could find music and a place to dance. Didn't drink much considering I was spending weeknights at the local bar -a bit of a dive but I often had the dance floor to myself, a fairly appreciative audience, and I could walk home- and weekends farther a field with friends. I particularly loved what was termed "hardcore night" at one of the local etablishments. Good music Ministry, Ramstein, NIN, cure, Alice in Chians, that sort of thing. AND mostly everyone danced by themselves. Fabulous idea. I like this song so I'm going to dance. What took so long? Any way the best night I had there was the night I met my Husband.

And well oh crap there he is going off to bed. without warning too. Well I'll send this pathetic start to post just so I have something from today. Well yesterday as it's 1:00 am. Take more time tomorrow.

Why Women Are Evil

2006-07-01T18:01:00.000-06:00

Warning: Explicit personal 'girl stuff' follows. :-P

Ok so I have laughed at the commonly circulated email spouting off all the reasons why women are evil. We are evil we ARE out to get all the men and most of the women too. Well... no not really... we are far too busy to take that much time and energy for something so unrealistic. I am thinking of that email though because one of the reasons quoted is something along the lines of "What other animal can bleed for a week and survive?".

Which brings me to my reason for posting. How much can one woman bleed in a frigging 12 hour period let alone the whole week? I am so pissed off right now. Every 3-6 months I have a blowout knock-em-dead cycle that makes me think perhaps a diaper would be a good idea. A few years ago I bled through an OB ultra, a super absorbent night time pad, my undies, my jammies, the blanket on our bed, two sheets, a mattress pad, and I'm guessing halfway through the frigging mattress. As I sat quietly reading for 30 - 45 minutes thinking all was well. I mean for fuck sakes you would think doubling up protection should last longer then oh say four hours.

I have always had the odd bleedout. In grade 9 I thought I might be starting my period and quietly sat with my hand up to ask to use the loo. Big burly -hot- substitute teacher asked me to wait the 5 min. till class ended. I couldn't very well say "Um actually I think I'm bleeding could I go now?". Well I suppose I could have and would maybe say something along those lines now if caught by some strange occurrence in the same situation. At the time though I was barely used to the idea myself let alone having other people especially a *boy* know about *that*. Did I mention *HE* was hot? The teacher I mean. SO I sat there wondering if the heat I felt was blood moving continuously or just that first spot.

Long story short I wrecked that pair of jeans. My friends though were beside themselves wondering why I didn't know, feel it happening, or seemingly have a clue I was bleeding through my jeans. At the time it didn't occur to me that most of them had barely bled as much as I could in a day during their entire cycle.

Well now that I have that off my chest... I have had remarkably easy pregnancies. Childbirth has gone well -except for the bitch GP I had for the first birth. If an over exuberant uterus gets me perfect babies and enjoyable childbirth well I suppose I'll live with it. And that Bitch of a GP led me to discover midwives so I guess I won't spend too much energy loathing her. Every thing seems to have it's place in life even the unpleasant things. I would just like NOT to bleed on my favorite clothes or the furniture. I would rather not have it come in gushes. AND I would like my body to alert me in some way "YO! HEY THERE! You're going to have a flood this month OK! You listening to me. Don't plan on leaving the house for 24 - 72 hours till this thing calms down." That way I could... I don't know... find a good book... book a babysitter and eat more iron rich foods for a few days. You know prepare for the red tide.

I'm Supergirl... What?

2006-06-30T19:24:00.000-06:00

Your results:
You are Supergirl

Supergirl		77%
Iron Man		70%
Spider-Man		70%
The Flash		65%
Wonder Woman		62%
Superman		60%
Green Lantern		50%
Robin		47%
Catwoman		45%
Hulk		40%
Batman		30%

Lean, muscular and feminine.
Honest and a defender of the innocent.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

If anyone knows how to fix the HTML stuff so this lines up feel free to let me know.

"Hey Baby What's your sign?"

2006-06-30T13:41:00.000-06:00

All righty then... I am Libra. Or am I? This is one of those subjects that seems to depend on the author. I have slipped between "What a load of rubbish." to "Holly sh… cow that's me." The link above is fairly accurate. Yes I am attractive and graceful and charming (my husband is very wisely nodding his head) he he he. I am also flirtatious, self-indulgent, and impatient of routine. I don’t like being boxed in by labels or self limiting behavior so I strongly dislike the idea of others or myself making assumptions based on silly things like my hair, how I speak, or the time I was born. There fore I have avoided any deep study or considerations in this regard.

I have never been trustful of those daily horoscopes one reads in syndications. They remind me of biblical interpretations. One person will read the same thing as another, both can have completely different interpretations of what they saw. The impersonal one size fits all can't be right, even for the majority it's just not logically possible. I also don't believe in predicting the future. People are too changeable to lump large groups of the population too closely together. (I heard one recent prediction that this would be a big year for hurricanes and low and behold they won the Stanley cup)

So lacking any real tangible value in my life for astrology I have left any sort of astrologic thought on the back burner. Still the skeptic and disliker of dogmatic practices (organized religion) I have been drawn to this time and time again. Most recently by an intriguing sort of woman I had a long chat with about relationships, children in particular, and how astrology can be helpful in the interpersonal relationships. I’m not immersed in any other absorbing topics at the moment so I might just explore this idea of the celestial influences on my life personally. Maybe it will explain a few things or help us feed the souls of those we love. I am never sure how far is too far to go with friends and showing affection and I’m not the bubbly sort to jump and shout and get very excited about too much. I used to be much freer in with hugs and kisses and such I wonder where that went? Is reserved a Libra trait? Or am I just getting old?

I wll be interested to see if I make up my mind on the subject.

Wacky Things From My Kitchen

2006-06-29T23:43:00.000-06:00

Curried Fish (Soup)

6-9 medium potatoes pealed and cubed about 1.5 cm or ¾ inch
200-300 grams primo taglio pastrami sandwich meat chopped up a bit
6 smallish pieces of fish we had polok loins

3-6 Tablespoons of your favorite curry
Fresh cilantro leaves about a hand full ripped up include stems
garlic to taste
Onions
2 Tablespoons Asian Sesame salad dressing
2 Tablespoons olive oil

Optional:
1 Cup Milk
I bouillon cube
1 Tablespoon of flour
Veggies

Cook potatoes and onions in a skillet with oil till mostly done, add pastrami, half the curry, half the cilantro, some onion and garlic, and a bit of salt if you like. When done put aside.

Cook fish in same skillet add the rest of the spices, salad dressing, and herbs.

Half of this I turned into soup the other half went on plates. For soup add a cup of milk with a spoon full of flour mixed up then water as needed to keep soupy. I also added an all veggie bouillon cube.

Much better as a soup but the boys wanted it dry. If you add veggies cook the long cooking things like carrots with the potatoes. If they are quick cooking like peas or asparagus put it either in for the last of the potatoes cooking in the pan or pop it on top of potatoes with a lid and let them steam.

I'm thinking a Corona with lemon or a dry white -Painted Turtle chardonnay-wine would work well in accompaniment. Or for the youger set milk -assuming your curry is a little spicy.

First Post

2006-06-29T13:51:00.000-06:00

My previous blog had so few posts over the last three years and no comments so I've dumped it. Hopefully a fresh look and a better understanding will improve my blogability and my blog ability. I really need an outlet that does not effect those innocent bystanders I call my friends and family. I also hope to post more thoughtfully and not just rants when I'm feeling agitated about something. A fresh start so to speak. I have to run and pick up my Spare -the kid I watch after school- so I don't have time for more now.